There was this guy named John that
went to heaven. He looked around and
saw millions of clocks, some were slow
and some were fast. He went to God to
ask a question.
''What's the deal with all these
clocks?'' John asked.
''Well,'' said God, ''these clocks
tell how much a person masturbates.''
''Well, where's my clock?'' asked John.
''It's in the office,'' replied
God. ''We use it as a fan.''
A husband and wife are waiting at the
bus stop; with them are their 8
children. A blind man joins them after
a few minutes. When the bus arrives,
they find it overloaded and only the
wife and her eight children are able to
fit in the bus. So the husband and the
blind man decide to walk. After a
while the husband gets irritated by
the ticking of the stick of the blind
man and says to him.
"Why don't you put a piece of rubber
at the end of your stick, that ticking
sound is driving me crazy!!"
The blind man replies: "If you
would've put a rubber on the end of
YOUR
stick, we'd be sitting in the bus.
Man says to God: "God, why did you
make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you
make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."
A guy walked into a pub and
immediately noticed a young lady at
the bar on her own. After a couple of
drinks he decided to offer her a drink
and make small talk. She accepted.
"What's your name?" he asked her.
"Carmen," she replied.
"That's a nice name. Did your mother
or father name you that?"
"Neither. I changed my name when I was
eighteen from Sharon to Carmen."
"Why did you do that?" he asked.
"Well," she explained, "I like men and
I like cars, so that is how I got my
name. What's your name?"
"Beerpussy," the man replied.
Two girls and a guy are trespassing in
a farmer’s field, and the farmer
catches them, and decides to take them
to court. During the next month, they
go to court, and the farmer’s lawyer
asks the first girl.
"What were you doing during the time
you were inside that field?"
The girl replies... "I was blowing
bubbles."
The next girl was asked the exact same
question, and she replied:
"Blowing bubbles"
The lawyer then goes on to the man and
says "let me guess, you were blowing
bubbles too."
And the man replies:
"No, I am bubbles!"
A little boy wakes up three nights in
a row when he hears a thumping sound
coming from his parents' bedroom.
Finally, one day he goes to his
mom and says, "Mommy, every night I
hear you and daddy making noise and
when I look in, you are bouncing up and
down on him."
His mom is taken by surprise and
says. "Oh... well I'm bouncing on his
stomach because he's fat and that
makes him thin again."
The boy says, "That won't work."
His mom says, "Why?"
The boy replies. "Because the lady
next door comes by after you leave
each day and blows him back up!